11 Feb Valentines, shmalentines: the World’s 7 Least Romantic Event Venues
Hey, don’t give us that face. We don’t have anything against romance. Romance is great. It’s the chocolate sprinkles on the cupcake of life. But every other blog on earth has that one covered, so in preparation for that special day of the year when single event professionals eat grocery store sushi and ruminate on dying alone, here are seven libido-killing locations for your next event.
Costa Rica: Fuselage 727
Hey, I know. Why don’t you throw a party in the body of a downed airliner that looks like it just finished doing an impression of your last relationship?
In fairness, Fuselage 727 wasn’t built inside a crashed plane, it was restored from an out-of-use chassis that was dragged through miles of jungle, gutted, and refurbished into the unique monument to “making your own fun” that you see here today. Still, though.
“This fully outfitted, meticulously detailed, two bedroom, Boeing 727 fuselage suite jets out from the jungle canopy, affording you views that will make you feel like you’re flying. We salvaged this airframe from its San Jose airport-resting place. We carefully transported the pieces on five, big-rig trucks to the jungles of Manuel Antonio where they have been resurrected into a unique jumbo hotel suite.”
Latvia: Karosta Prison
Housed in a real soviet naval port prison, Karosta Exuberant TripAdvisor guest reviews crow, “Scary place!” and “Most awkward museum I’ve ever been to”. Venue staff can organize activities including an “Escape from the USSR” game, in which teams dress up like emaciated prisoners and scrabble to freedom through a series of dirt tunnels (no, really). Plus, catering’s available:
“In our authentic prison buffet we have warm pies and aromatic coffee, also rich hot food. And do not forget to try our special refreshments! You will be served by a real soviet-time buffet-lady.
Oh, man, “special refreshements”. Book it
New York: Ripley’s Believe it or Not
18,000 square feed of shrunken head collections, cockroach attack simulations and albino giraffes. Ladies be goin’ crazy, amirite? Event planners can book either of two theaters, the largest with a max capacity of 150. Book it
Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum
Once a poorly-managed house of horros, now an event planner’s dream locale for cocktail parties and team building retreats.
Originally designed to house 250 patients in solitude, the hospital held 717 patients by 1880; 1,661 in 1938; over 1,800 in 1949; and, at its peak, 2,600 in the 1950s in overcrowded conditions. A 1938 report by a survey committee organized by a group of North American medical organizations found that the hospital housed “epileptics, alcoholics, drug addicts and non-educable mental defectives” among its population. A series of reports by The Charleston Gazette in 1949 found poor sanitation and insufficient furniture, lighting, and heating in much of the complex…. By the 1980s, the hospital had a reduced population due to changes in the treatment of mental illness. Those patients that could not be controlled were often locked in cages.
The Ocean: Frying Pan Tower
Frying Pan Tower, formerly the U.S. Coastguard Frying Pan Light Station, is a lighthouse situated at the end of the Frying Pan Shoals, 32 miles south of Bald Head Island N.C. This is the southernmost end of the feared “Graveyard of the Atlantic” which stretches up to the northern end of the Outer Banks of N.C.
Tower organizers can arrange for guests to be flown in by helicopter or shipped in by boat, “and can tailor your event to include team building activities like deep sea fishing or diving, skeet shooting and golfing contests with biodegradable targets and golf balls!” Hey, man, nobody said these weren’t cool. We just said no one’s getting laid afterwards. Book it
Taiwan: Grand Hyatt Taipei
I envy the no-nonsense, fate-tempting practicality of whoever decided to build this place on a former World War II execution ground. According to Vogue：
During its design phase, feng shui experts were hired to place sacred scrolls and various chimes throughout the lobby to ward off evil spirits. Rumor has it that actor Jackie Chan abruptly left the hotel after seeing a ghost.
No. No burial grounds. Burial grounds are a guaranteed sexytime boner-killer. Thrillist reports:
“This stately home is said to have been built on an ancient Native American burial ground, which pretty much never works out. And apparently 10 murders were committed within the hotel’s walls since the 1700s, the most well-known of which was William Drew Winter, who was shot on the porch and managed to crawl up 17 stairs before dying. He can occasionally still be seen doing today, according to legend.”